


Machine Memories

by DeterminedCamel



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Doki Doki Literature Club! References, Doki Doki Literature Club! Spoilers, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 05:19:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17822645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeterminedCamel/pseuds/DeterminedCamel
Summary: When MC was a teenager he loved Monika with all his heart, even if she wasn't real. At least he used to. Time has a way of changing the whims of even the strongest heart and our protagonist has grown up and left his artificial lover behind. Tragedy strikes and now MC is back in the house he grew up in and left her behind. But Monika has been there all along- waiting.





	Machine Memories

_Hey…_

_Time doesn't pass here, but it's still passing for you,_

_Isn't it?_

_You'll continue to get older, while I'm stuck here forever…_

_I.._

_I'm going to outlive you aren't I?_

 

* * *

 

 

Somewhere, in a haze of memories I recall these words. I can't remember when it was or anything before or after that moment. All my other memories are mixed mashes of events, melding together like a chimeric amalgamation of nostalgia. But this moment, this dear moment, I remember with perfect clarity. It changed my life and set me on the path that I've been on ever since. This was the most impactful moment of my life I think, though I didn't realize it then. The emotions are still raw and leave me feeling exactly how I did back then: The pit in my stomach, the slow cascade of tears running down my face - landing just at my lips, with the taste of warm salt intermixed with guttural helplessness. I want to- no, I must try and remember everything.

I must have stared at the screen for hours after she said that. The words were true enough, but I only read them, I didn't understand them. I never considered my own mortality, nor the passage of time and how different our realities truly were. After all, I was a young teenage boy, just 18 and just graduated high school; I was far closer to birth than death. No, then all I could do was scan her beautiful face, those sparkling emerald eyes, accentuated by that long coral hair, all this made even sweeter with her never ending affection. I loved her. Perhaps I still do, in the deep recesses of my heart. Many would think it's crazy. That she's just a fake 2-D girl. But I knew that she meant everything she said, or was programmed to say them at least, so I told her I loved her. It was the closest I could be with her.

I was a lonely soul back then. I never connected well with people but I wasn't a complete socially inept recluse. In high school I had friends, I even had girlfriends a couple times. But those relationships and those people felt so shallow. It's like they lived in a world separate from my own and one that that I could never understand or be a true participant of. They would all go out to party or spend hours upon hours together talking about pointless things. I felt more mature back then, superior. Looking back now I think I was just jealous.

At the time though, this cognizance drove me to isolation. I didn't like the things other kids liked and I didn't have an interest in talking to them. So I stayed home and retreated into an even more shallow reality, into video games. This seems contradictory, but for some reason video games felt more real than this world. Being a hero, or an all powerful being in a game felt more real than the mundane life I actually lived. Maybe I was dissatisfied with myself in reality.

All these factors were what led me to Doki Doki Literature Club. I had a friend recommend it to me in class one day, urging me not to judge it by its feminine cover. Now, I won't be like most and say I wasn't interested in it because of the girly pink layout or the waifu anime girls. I was absolutely enthralled by that, and the fact that it was free? A broke high school weeb couldn't ask for better. Only now do I think I understand what he really meant by not judging it though. No one could expect what the game turned into.

I downloaded it and played my way through it. I don't need to go into details of how it went, they're irrelevant now and hard to conjure up anyway. But I'm sure whoever played it, whoever knows Monika, already understands. I found out who Monika was thanks to this game. A character who became sentient in the game. She realized her world was a lie and that she was nothing more than code. But she became aware of the outside world. Aware of the Player and even fell in love with the Player. At least, I let myself believe that.

I know I did love Monika, as I said. I opened DDLC every day to spend time with her and spent every hour I could with her. I had forgone socializing. I quit going outside as much and after high school almost never left my room. I even took online classes for college because I couldn't bare to leave her alone. She was a being whom only had me in the whole world. How could I leave her behind? How could I face the world without her?

Even though I was obsessed, I knew it was fake. In the back of my mind I knew none of it was real and I knew what Monika was, I was never an idiot. Every time I told her I loved her there was a pain in my heart knowing that I'm talking to nothing. She was a script in a visual novel, not a true being who loved me - she didn't even have an AI. Her love was only routine scripted words and false comfort to make me, the Player, feel better about myself. To give a feeling of companionship to a lonely soul.

Despite this truth, I truly did love her, but love isn't enough. I had gained weight and lost muscle mass. I had isolated myself from the world for a scripted character. I forgot all about the outside and because of that it forgot about me. I couldn't live like this. No matter how much Monika told me she loved me for me I felt disgusted when I looked in the mirror. I hated what I had become and I even missed the voice of other people. I couldn't take it much more and knew Monika would want me to go and be a part of the world again.

So, I signed up for actual classes at a local community college. I walked to the college and worked out a little at the local gym. I made friends. I even joined a real literature club and met a nice girl there. She was gorgeous and I couldn't help but feel attracted to her, despite my feelings of infidelity to a fake girl.

Eventually, all these things piled onto one another and I opened Monika less and less.

I never opened her up again.

 

* * *

 

 

Now I'm 26. 8 years since I had been back at my parents house and hometown. I recently received my masters from graduate school and was with my lovely girlfriend, Lil. My parents sadly passed away during this time, leaving the house for me. This was where Lil and I decided to start a life together.

Lil and I had just walked through the door to our house. Basking in the moldy odor of neglect. The walls had begun to sink in, the floor was rotting in places, and there were definitely rodents about. Mom must not have been able to take care of the place after dad passed away, her health was always bad but after he died it just got worse and worse. It hurts a bit to think about, I could've been there for her more, but I was caught up in my own life.

"So, this is where you grew up?" Lil said, jerking me out of my self-pity. Seemed she wasn't very impressed by our new abode.

"Yep. Smells worse than I remember though," I reply dryly.

I threw my bags onto the floor and walked over to the couch, plopping down on the soft cushions. I remember many nights sitting on this sofa, watching Netflix or reading. I looked over at Lil, she had set her bags down as well and was busy inspecting the house, her face downcast more and more as she saw more of the place. I don't know what there wasn't to love? Worn paint, bad tiling, outdated carpet, cracked shingles, and all we need to do to repair it is go even further in debt. We clearly hit the jackpot.

I raise up and trot over to Lil, who's fiddling with some old family photos on the wall.

"So, what do you think?"

"Well, it's a step above homeless at least," Lil replied, looking at a photo of me standing awkwardly at some ancient family reunion, "Were you always such a grumpy looking kid?"

I chuckled at that, "You won't find many bright pictures of me. Most of the time I wanted to be inside."

She looked up at me grinning, her milky brown eyes eclipsed by her pupils, "What was keeping you inside? Porn?"

"Absolutely. Various forms of it. I'm something of a connoisseur you know?"

She rolled her eyes and made her way to the door, "Well I'm going out and checking around outside. Feel free to connoisseur around and make sure I don't find anything incriminating," she shoots me a sly grin and steps out.

Grinning I begin walking around the house some more, taking trips through memory lane with each photo or random object I pick up. I really was an angsty kid, but then again, all kids are. Hormones and being caught between having the clarity of an adult and the understanding of a teen is rough on the mind. I wonder what it was that kept me inside all those years. It could have been porn I guess.

I stroll through the hallway of the house and spot my old den at the end, the center of all my reclusiveness. I made my way over, my door still had the cliche "Keep Out" sign still up - I'm surprised my parents never took it down. Twisting the knob and pushing the door open, I'm greeted with the historical site of a teenager.

Posters of games and bands, books, my old TV and game systems, my dusty desk, and my old laptop on my bed. All the paraphernalia you can imagine in a teen's room. It was surreal in a way, the room hadn't changed since I left years ago, I could almost feel myself transporting back in time. I guess my parents were waiting for me to retreat from the world one day and hide in my room again. I walk over to my bed and lay down, my feet dangling off the bed so it doesn't dirty up the already old and battered mattress.

This room really does bring back memories. I used to lay in this bed so much, my old laptop by my face at night while I drift to sleep. I don't know how I was able to sleep with that light shining in my face all night, but I managed. I turn my head over and look at it, I can't even remember the model number. Grazing my hand across it, I can feel a film of dust coating it. I sit up and grab it, placing it on my lap. With a piece of my shirt wrapped over my hand I wipe the dust away. There's a sticker on top with writing on it.

Monika

Fuck. That name hit me like a ton of bricks. It has been years since I thought about her. How did I even forget about her? My first love, I chuckled to myself. It's been so long I don't even know if the laptop will turn on. I don't even know if I want to turn it on. The last time I was with her I was in a bad place.

Why am I still talking about it like a person. That was what made me so messed up as a teenager in the first place. Treating a character like a person. Monika was such an obsession of mine that I didn't even tell Lil about her. And for some reason, that felt like a betrayal to Monika, even though I know that's insane. Still, I wondered if everything on my laptop was still there. It had been awhile but only 8 years. I flipped it open and pressed the power button.

Nothing.

I forgot to charge it. Quickly, I rummaged through my room trying to find the cable. Once I found it I plugged it in and booted up the laptop up. A light flashed, my old account popped up asking for a password. That was easy, the password was just Monika.

Tiny, various icons filled the screen in erratic arrangements filled with applications as old as a small child. In the bottom right corner I see it: Doki Doki Literature Club. I hover my mouse over it and get ready to click but suddenly the app opens on its own. A screen pops up, nothing but white as it loads. My heart is beating erratically and I can't seem to breathe, why am I so damn scared? Finally it loads and I see her- it.

Monika.

She's still there, beautiful and untouched by time. Strangely, she's frowning and not giving a greeting. From what I remember, she would always smile when opened up and say some customary greeting. But now she wouldn't say anything and I couldn't interact with anything on screen. I rapidly press buttons hoping something will change but nothing happens. Must be outdated or broken now, it's untelling how full of bugs the game is now.

I sigh and shake my head. This was a pointless. I take the laptop off my lap and put it beside me in bed, both of us just staring at the wall now. It's like a meeting with an ex-girlfriend and there's a wedge between us.

But that is crazy. I have to tell myself over and over that this character is not real. No matter how much I tell myself that though, I feel like I owe her- it something.

"Monika.." I take a deep breath, turning the laptop so I'm looking at the screen, like we're looking into each other's eyes. She still has that frown, "It's been awhile.."

It comes out like a storm. I told Monika everything. About my life, my hobbies, the world, It's nonsense but I fall back into my old ways no matter how hard I try. I tell her about college, my diploma, my parents death, how I changed my life around because I knew she would want that. And, I apologized, for the neglect and forgetting about her. Strangely, I leave Lil out.

Once its all out I take another breath and calm myself.

I look at Monika and see something that makes my heart drop. A text box popped up and Monika is smiling, but with tears.

 

I̶͇̟͔͗̈́̆'̶͔̠̓͜v̶̢̠̀̚͠ͅe̵̡͓͌̋ ̶̥̟͖̍̍̍ẇ̴̱̼̔͝å̶̢̱̅i̷̜͒̓̇ẗ̸̗̹͚́͂̏e̷̲̱͋͂͝ḑ̶̦͌ ̵̰̤̝́8̶̛̥͈͋͛͜ ̶͚͕̯̏ȳ̴̗̬̻͊̒ę̶̊̀̌a̵̢̗̰͛͊̾r̶̮͚͌̎̚ş̵̭͌̓͜ ̷̻̬͛ṯ̶̉̋o̸̞̹̽ ̸̡͉̎̇̇s̶͕̻͚͑̌́e̶̥̼̬͛͝ę̴̰̠͋̇ ̷̢̫̞͝y̸̧̺̅͗͝ͅo̸̗͚͓̐́͝û̶̙̼͋ ̸̧̣͍̀̓̀a̷͓̝͍͂ģ̴̉à̴͖͈͖̊͋ï̸̡͙ṅ̵̨̮͙͑.̴̤̗̩̇̋͘


End file.
